So the one time I actually decide to honestly tell someone I am not ok when they asked me what was wrong, all they said was “im here for you dude”.. what? Im here for you? Don’t get me wrong I appreciate you saying that & ‘being there for me’ but your not.. if you are really here for me you would of known along time ago something was wrong. And just the fact that I grew a pair and said fuck it and actually poured my heart out and all my problems to someone and they don’t even show the least bit of interest. at least act like you care! But nope no one really gives a fuck how I feel or what im going through, this is the reason I keep to myself. Fuck expressing feelings to people who act like they care when they sure as hell don’t.
I find it funny.. so funny that i hurt so much inside everyday and no one even knows. How I can smile and joke all the time around my friends and no one seems to care that I actually hate my life. Today my friend was telling me he hated his life for failing a homework assignment and because hes fighting with his girlfriend.. HA, then trys telling me that im lucky and everything in my life is great. Do you know how badly i wanted to say “actually no.. i fucking hate my life”? But nope i sat there, nodding my head saying “yah, you have it bad”. Sometimes this fake smile gets exhausting.. i want to just stop in the middle of everything and just cry. It would be nice for someone to actually ask me if im ok or doing well, and when i say “oh yah, im fine”.. they tell me “no megan, your not”.The one thing I hate in life.. expressing my feelings and people feeling “sorry” for me. Well here it goes. I hate being alone.. I always ask myself what if life never existed? Its all in my head, everything? I’m alone, no one to tell my feelings to.. because no one honestly cares. I think alot.. i think what it would be like if something happened to me, sometimes hopeing and praying for something to happen to me. I hate myself. I suck at living. I suck at school, sports, friends, and so on. Im not pretty, skinny, have the “perfect” body, teeth, clothes, boobs, im awkward, I can’t be in a relationship because I fuck up everything.I just suck at EVERYTHING. Im told im a piece of shit and worthless by the people who are supposed to be there for me. I need help. I need someone to sit me down and make me tell them everything.. someone to tell me that its not true, that im smart, pretty, to tell me not to give up. I need someone to notice, just for once i am not ok. Its hard.. why live life if you have no purpose? I was a mistake. Waste of space. It just sucks because there is absolutely no one in the world I would tell this to, let alone someone who would actually listen.